The Hunch of the Bells
by Eris Clio
Summary: What happens when Quasimodo meets the beautiful gypsy girl Esmeralda? Exactly the same thing that happens in the Disney movie. In fact this is just a parody. Highly recommended for those who enjoy laughter and happiness.
1. The BELLS

Love this movie, thought I'd make it a bit funnier ;D

Hunchback of Notre Dame Parody.

Chapter 1: The BellsBellsBellsBellsBells of Notre Dame.

Clopin: Morning in Paris the city awakes to the bells of Notre Dame. The fisherman fishes and the bakerman fishes also, to the bells of Notre Dame.

From the big bells as loud as very large bells, to the little bells soft as bells that were smaller than large bells.

And some say they would really like for Quasimodo to stop ringing the bells at six in the morning on a Saturday when they're trying to sleep in. The Bells of Notre Dame.

Clopin is currently inside a small colored booth, in the middle of a Paris street, surrounded by children with very trusting parents. Who lets their child wander the streets of Paris and watch puppet shows given by creepy vagabonds?

Clopin: But listen, they are loud, no? So many colors of bells, so many changing bells. But let me give you a puppet show to tell you of the scary monster who rings them. You will never want to go to church again. I have candy in here, children. Come get some.

Dark was the night when our tale was begun on the docks near Notre Dame

Gypsy Man: Shut up your kid lady.

Gypsy lady: I don't have his binky!

But a trap had been laid for the gypsies, and they gazed up in fear and also another emotion but it was very hard to tell since 'dark was the night.'

At a figure whose clutches were ironasmuchas the BELLS (of Notre Dame, of course. Those bells.)

Frollo: That object, what is it?

Gypsy: *Suspiciously silent.*

Frollo: Are you smuggling drugs into my city? Take them from her!

She ran. She is now charged with possession as well as with resisting arrest.

Frollo chases her and accidentally runs into a low-hanging shop sign. He would later blame his horse for this.

Gypsy: Let me into your cathedral!

Frollo grabs for the drug-baby.

Gypsy: Don't taze me, bro.

Frollo: *hits gypsy with baby bundle*

Gypsy: *ded* How violent for a Disney film. It gets worse!

Frollo: Hmm let's take a 'look' at these drugs…. GASP! What is this baby? It's a monster! Yet I cannot look away…

He spots a well.

Frollo: Well, well, well, what do we have here? *suspends baby over abyss and laughs at the lame joke he made*

Clopin: STOOOOPPP. Cried the archdeacon very loudly indeed, almost making Frollo drop the baby.

Frollo: This baby fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. No one should have to look at this.

Archdeacon: See here the innocent blood you have spilt on the steps of Notre Dame with the Bells.

Frollo: I am guiltless, she deserves it for making this ugly baby.

Archdeacon: Now you would add this child's blood-

Frollo: -but this well looks hungry.

Archdeacon: You've just killed someone and all you can think about is feeding wells? Wells don't even require nourishment! You can lie to yourself and your minions.

Frollo: Where are my minions?

Archdeacon: You can claim that you haven't a qualm-

Frollo: I just don't give a qualm!

Archdeacon: You must put that hunch somewhere.

Frollo: This hunch belongs with your bells.

Archdeacon: What.

Frollo: Just so he's kept locked away where no one else can see. Clopin's pedo-van perhaps-

Archdeacon: -bell tower-

Frollo: -bell tower perhaps, and who knows? Our Lord works in mysterious ways. Maybe this ugly hunch will prove one day to be…..useful to the evil plans which I will undoubtedly have in the future.

Clopin: And Frollo gave the child a cruel name…a name that translates directly from classical Latin to, "Oh-God-This-Baby-Is-So-Ugly-And-Hunched-I-Think-He-Deserves-An-Equally-Ugly-Name-Which-Is-At-The-Same-Time-Ironic-and-Hilarious," Quasimodo…

Now…here is a riddle to guess if you can sing the bells of Notre Dame…who is the monster and who is the hunch? Sing the Bells Bells Bells Bells Bells Bells Bells Bells of Notre Dame!

-Cut to pigeons-


	2. Out There

Chapter 2: Out There

Quasi leans on the balustrade of Notre Dame looking longingly at the Feast of Fools down below.

Quasimodo: *spots a small bird* Mmm, lunch!

Bird: squeak!

Quasi: Good morning, will today be the day? Are you ready to get eaten? Good day to try, boy if I picked a day to be lunch this would be it.

Bird: *flies away as fast as possible to join other tasty birds*

Hugo: Aww yeah, that was a tasty bird. So what's going on out there, a fight? A flogging? A hot gypsy dancing? I think I see a hot gypsy!

Victor: The Festival of Fools!

Hugo: Boy, nothing like balcony seats for watching the old F.O.F.

Quasi: Yeah, watching…boy do I wish I could dance like that gypsy girl. I would make soo much money.

Silence.

Victor: Why don't you go there and fulfill your dream of dancing for coins, instead of just jealously watching?

Quasi: Sure! But I don't fit in down there…I am…hunched…. Besides, you're forgetting one thing…

Gargoyles: What?!

Quasi: I don't have a dress for my dance!

Laverne: Aww, come on, Quasi, just grab a fresh tunic and a clean pair of ho's.

Quasi: You mean hose, as in, pants?

Laverne: No.

Frollo: Good morning, Bellboy. Whomever are you talking to?

Quasi: Good morning, master. My friends. They are imaginary because I have no real friends.

Frollo: LUNCH. Shall we review your alphabet today?

Quasi: *gets out the fine china and wine glasses*

Frollo: A?

Quasi: Abstinence

Frollo: T?

Quasi: Blasph- what?

Frollo: C?

Quasi: C-c-contrition!

Frollo: D

Quasi: Dancing-

Frollo: Excuse me? Dancing? You are thinking about dancing at the festival?

Quasi: I meant...uh… Daddy-I-Love-You!

Frollo: The world is cruel, the world is wicked, It's I alone whom you can trust in this whole city, I am your only friend.

Quasi: Can we exchange friendship bracelets?!

Frollo: I who teach you, occasionally feed you, dress you. I who look upon you with much fear, how can I protect you, hunch, unless you always stay in here? You are Ugly.

Quasi: Thank you.

Frollo: You are deformed-

Quasi: I am deformed.

Frollo: And these are crimes that would get you landed in prison if people saw your face. Out there they'll revile you as a monster.

Quasi: You do in here also.

Frollo: Why invite their calumny and consternation?

Quasi: *flips through dictionary*

Frollo: *picks up the Quasi doll on the play set and sets it in the bell tower, and casually pushes the Frollo doll and Esmeralda doll close together* Stay in here.

Quasi: Okay.

Frollo: No, seriously, if I come back tonight and that Quasi doll is out of that doll-house you are dead meat.

Quasi: What?

Frollo: Don't move that Quasi doll.

Quasi: You're right master, I should stay in here, and just like that Quasi doll is a metaphor for you not wanting me to leave the belltower, I will not.

Frollo: Oh what? No you can go outside . I was actually singing all that to the Quasi doll. If that doll is out of its mini-Notre-Dame when I get back there will be trouble.*whispers to doll* Remember, this is your sanctuary…

Quasi: Safe behind these windows and these parapets of stone, spying on the people down below me. Every day I watch them as I hide up here alone, carving them into dolls and pretending I have friends.

*creepy smile*

All my life I've memorized their faces, knowing them as they will never know me.

*another creepy smile*

All my life I've wondered how it'd feel to pass a day not above them, but uncomfortably close to them….

And out there, where they all live unaware…that I watch them. What I'd give, what I'd dare.

Out there among the gypsies and the bakers and their breads, through the bells and pigeons I can see them, every day he bakes and kneads and complains about his muffins, heedless of the gift it is to be so close to those muffins…If I was in his skin-

*creepier smile*

-I'd treasure every instant. Out there, dancing at the Feast.

Give me one day out there, all I ask is one, to dance for the people, out there like ordinary men.

Won't resent, won't despair, old and bent as long as I'm not hunched, I won't care- I'll have spent one dance out thereeeeee!


	3. Phoebus and Friends

Chapter 3: Phoebus and Friends.

Phoebus struts into town like he owns the place.

Phoebus: Hmm leave town for a couple centuries and they change everything. Hey, those gypsies are stealing things. Hot gypsy wearing purple, you are under arrest!

Esmeralda: Why?

Phoebus: -for stealing my heart!

Esmeralda: …

Phoebus: Funnily named horse, sit on that man's face!

Horse: *sits upon unfortunate man's face.*

Phoebus: Where is the Justice of Palace?

...

Phoebus: Hello, reporting for duty.

Frollo: *to torturer* Ease up, wait between lashes. He seems quite loud though, that is annoying. Chop off his arms!

Guard: Yessir.

Frollo: Ah so this is the shiny Captain Phoebus home from the wars. I hope you're better than the last guy, can you imagine, I asked him to burn down this one miller's house, and he was all like, 'Dude no.' Dude, don't be like that guy.

Phoebus: Dude, of course not.

Frollo: Don't call me that. You see these ants? They are a metaphor for how I wish I could crush humans. Nice, huh?

Phoebus: Quite. Wait, I was summoned from the wars to capture ants!?

Frollo: Do you know what a metaphor is? They have a secret hide out in the walls of this very city, a nest if you will, like for birds. Although I've already searched every tree in Paris…

Phoebus: -and what are we going to do about it sir?

Frollo: Well I have an idea, I have a hunch….I have a hunch… locked away in a bell tower.

Phoebus: ….

Frollo: …get it? Like as in, a person with a hunched back- why must I explain all my jokes to you?

Phoebus: Hey look- the hot gypsy again. I wonder if she can see me waving! HEY, CAN YOU SEE ME WAVING?! *leans over balcony*

The Festival:

Clopin: Come one…come all! Leave your bells and leave your bell towers, it's the day for breaking rules, come and join the Feast of ….Fooools!

Once a year we throw a party here in town, once a year we make one person feel really self-conscious about their ugliness. Every man's a king and every king's a clown, once again it's Topsy Turvy day!

*pulls out little Frollo puppet and beats Quasimodo with it*

Everyone is acting crazy, floss is gold and weeds are a buffet, that's the way on Topsy Turvy Day!

Quasi: *falls into Esmeralda's tent* Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean, oh wow…look at this beautiful red dress! This is just what I require…

Esmeralda: Please leave my dressing room. By the way, great mask! But I think you're over doing it a bit with the hunch.

Quasi: Thanks!

Clopin: And now, hurry, hurry, here's your chance, see the hot gypsy dance! Dance, La Esmeralda, Dance!

Esmeralda: *dances*

Quasi: gazes longingly at gypsy, wishing it was him up there dancing instead.

Frollo: Wow look at that disgusting display, she is so not-sexy at all…

Phoebus: Do you think she sees me waving?!

Esmeralda: *leaves pretty scarf with Frollo*

Frollo: *cuddles scarf*

Esmeralda: *pole dances*

Clopin: And now…we will choose the ugliest person in Paris! I wonder who will win?

Person in the audience: Your mom!

Esmeralda: *pulls at Quasi's face*

Quasi: Ow, my cheeks!

The audience celebrates for a short while, before becoming bored and doing what Medieval mobs do best. Throwing vegetables and torturing people.

Quasi: *tied to scaffold* I don't like tomatoes!

Esmeralda: *walks up the stairs toward Quasi but instead of helping him she starts collecting the tomatoes* Mmmm…tomato soup for dinner tonight…I can't believe people just get rid of nice food like this.

Frollo: Hot gypsy girl, drop those tomatoes at once!

Esmeralda: You mistreat these tomatoes the same way you mistreat my people. You speak of justice, yet you are cruel to fruits most in need of your help.

Frollo: Silence! -and ahem I believe they are vegetables.

Esmeralda: Justice! –and you are wrong they have seeds so they are actually berries which are a fruit.

Frollo: Captain Fleebus, arrest her!

Phoebus: Uhh, sir?

Frollo: What?

Phoebus: It's Phoebus, sir. FEE-BUS.

Frollo: Yeah… that's what I said.

Esmeralda: *takes shelter inside Notre Dame*


	4. God Help Those Outcasts

Chapter 4: God help the Outcasts

Phoebus: *creeps up on Esmeralda*

Esmeralda: *shanks him*

Phoebus: Aww man, that hurts! By the way, did you see me waving at you at the festival and from atop the Palace of Justice?

Esmeralda: No. Who are you?

Phoebus: I'm Phoebus. It means sun-god. Which I actually am, you know. Not to brag or anything but I kind of really am the God of the Sun.

Djali: *head-butts Phoebus*

Phoebus: Ouch! Didn't know you had a kid!

Esmeralda: Yeah, well he's adopted.

Frollo: Good work, Captain Fetus. Now, arrest her!

Phoebus: It's P-H-O-E-B-

Esmeralda: Sanctuary!

Frollo: Well you'll have to come out sometime. Or…else I will give Quasimodo your red dress and he will stretch it out and it will never fit the same again!

Esmeralda: You're a monster!

Frollo: *grabs Esmeralda's hand behind her back* I was just imagining a rope around that beautiful neck…

Esmeralda: Phoebus' pick-up line was better.

Frollo: You know gypsies don't do well inside stone walls…

Esmeralda: Why is that? I've never heard that before.

Frollo: Oh, you know…it's just a _thing_ people say. You know like, 'oh hey look at those gypsies,' 'oh yeah I heard they don't do well inside stone walls.' Like it's a common phrase. Everyone says it.

Esmeralda: …

Frollo: *sniffs her hair*

Esmeralda: What are you doing?

Frollo: Nothing, because this is a Disney movie. I should probably leave now.

Esmeralda: *starts singing her pretty song and wandering through the church*

Quasimodo: *does what he does best- creepily spies upon people*

Esmeralda: God help my people, we look to you still, God help the homeless cuz nobody will.

Quasimodo: Maybe while she's distracted I can steal her dress…

Random church man: You, hunch, what are you doing out of your tower? We told you you're not allowed down here, you'll scare people away like last time! You are the reason religion is in decline.

Esmeralda: Wait! I want to talk to you.

Quasimodo: *runs from human contact*

Laverne: Oh look he's got a friend with him! Our little bellringer is all grown up!

Victor: Not a bad day.

Hugo: That goat is hot.

Quasimodo and Esmeralda arrive at the tower room with the little toy set and sparkly wind chime.

Quasi: Yeah this is my pad.

Esmeralda: Oh I love your dolls! The blacksmith…and the baker!

Quasi: Ahem they are action figures.

Esmeralda: Why am I by Frollo?

Quasi: Want to see the bells?

Esmeralda: No.

On the roof:

Esmeralda: Wow I bet the king himself doesn't have a view like this.

Quasi: You can live up here if you want. I have a bunk bed. But on one condition….I get top bunk.

Esmeralda: Gypsies don't do well inside stone walls. Frollo said so.

Quasi: Yeah well he also told me that if I went outside the crowd would hate me. I went outside and all they did was give me free tomatoes, so he is obviously wrong most of the time. Let me help you escape! We can take the fast way. I had a slide installed when I was little. It's next to the monkey bars on the Gallery of Kings, and the swings are off the north tower.

Esmeralda: I'm scared! It's very steep!

Quasi: The trick is not to look down. And sometimes Frollo puts broken glass at the bottom of the slide. He says it keeps me on my toes. So watch out.

*all three slide down the slide*

Esmeralda: Wow thanks. Here is a pretty necklace to lead you to the Court of Miracles. Don't worry. We accept all kinds of lifestyles.

Quasi: ? Okay thanks.

Esmeralda: *kiss on cheek*

Quasi: Aww! *climbs back up monkey bars*


	5. Heaven's Light and Hellfire

Chapter 5: Heaven's Light and Hellfire (viewer discretion is advised).

Gargoyles congratulate him on his date.

Quasi: So many times out there, I've watched a happy pair of lovers walking in the night. Soooo many times…..have I watched them. At night.

They had a kind of glow around them. It made them easier to see from afar.

I knew I'd never know that warm and loving glow, though I might wish will all my might. No face as hideous as my face, and no back as hunched as my back was ever meant for love!

My bright warm tower seems so dark….I swear it must be the fires of Hell…I mean, Heaven's light!

Priests: *swing their swingy things and chant their chanty chants.*

Parents, this is the part in the theaters where you should send your small children out to go refill your popcorn.

Frollo: Beata Maria, you know I am a righteous man, of my virtue I am justly proud.

Beata Maria, you know I'm so much purer than the common vulgar weak licentious crowd. I am not a people person.

Then tell me, Maria, why I see her dancing there, why her… "smoldering eyes" still scorch my… "soul."

Since this is a Disney movie, everything is a metaphor. Only adults will understand.

Esmeralda dances in the fireplace. Not the real Esmeralda though. That would be painful and awkward.

Like fire, Hellfire, this "fire" in my "skin."

This "burning desire" is turning me to "sin."

It's not my fault, I'm not to blame. It is the hot gypsy witch whose dress I gave to Quasimodo!

Priest people: Mea culpa!

Who has imaginary friends now, Frollo?!

If in God's plan, he made the Devil so much stronger than a man…Protect me Maria, don't let this siren cast her spell, don't let her "fire" sear my "flesh" and "bone."

Destroy Esmeralda and let her taste the fires of Hell, or else let her be mine! Hmm...that's a good line, I should write all this down and give it to her in a poem. That would be a very sweet gesture.

Guard: *bursts open the doors* Helloooo! Need a back-up singer?

Frollo: No, get out you idiot! I sing my own songs. This is my private fireplace time.

Now hot gypsy it's your turn! "choose me" or your pyre, Be "mine" or you will burn! *throws scarf into fireplace* Oh no, just kidding! *grabs scarf out of fireplace and hugs it*

God have mercy on her. But mostly on me because I'm the one doing bad things like setting people on fire because they don't love me.

But she will be mine or she will not be! And if that is the case then I will kill her. That will make her fall in love with me. *falls asleep on floor in front of fireplace*


	6. A Hunch Like You

Chapter 6: A Hunch Like You.

Phoebus: Are you alright, sir?

Frollo: Last night I sang a song to my fireplace.

Phoebus: We've all been there, sir.

Frollo: Find Esmeralda! I knew I shouldn't have installed that slide for Quasimodo…

Ten pieces of silver for the gypsy Esmeralda!

Gypsy pimp: Esmeralda's not here, but we have other gypsy girls, and they only cost five pieces of silver an hour.

Frollo: That's not what I meant.

Gypsy: …are you sure?

Frollo: *ponders* Captain Femur, set this man's home on fire!

Phoebus: I will not until you use my real name.

Frollo: You've thrown away a promising career.

Esmeralda: *throws a rock at Frollo's horse*

Horse: Aww jeez! *runs frantically*

Phoebus: *Jumps on horse and takes off*

Frollo: Hit him, but don't hit my horse!

Soldier: Oops I think I hit your horse….

Frollo: Don't waste your arrows on Captain Jesus! Shoot them at this guy who hit my horse. *hugs horse* don't worry girl, it'll be okay.

Phoebus: *falls into river*

Esmeralda: *rescues him.*

And the best damsel-in-distress role of the year goes to…Captain Phoebus!

Hugo: It's hopeless!

Victor: That poor gypsy girl, I think she's probably dead by now!

Laverne: Whatever you do, don't remind Quasimodo.

Quasimodo: Any sign of her?

Victor: She is dead.

Laverne: Nice work Victor.

Hugo: Don't worry when things cool off she'll be back.

Laverne: We always said you were the cute one! When compared to rocks.

Quasi: Thanks guys.

Victor: Shiny knights in armor certainly aren't her type! She prefers hunches. Ladies love the hunch.

Hugo: Paris, the city of lovers is glowing this evening, true that's because it's on fire, but still there's l'amour. Somewhere out there in the night, her heart is also alight, and I know the guy she just might be burning for…literally burning for you because Frollo is going to set her on fire…

A hunch like you, a girl does not meet every day…you've got a look, that's all your own! And now you have a lovely red dress to pair with it!

Could there be two, like you?

Victor: I sure hope not!

Hugo: You see that face…you don't forget it.

Laverne: Yes, your face is forever burned in my mind's eye.

Hugo: We all have gaped at some Adonis, and since you're shaped like a croissant is…she's gotta love a hunch like you! Who doesn't want their man shaped like a French pastry?

She's gotta love a hunch like you!

Esmeralda: Hunchback?

Quasimodo: Oh hello. Ignore the loud singing you may have heard a moment ago. I was just ah-practicing my dance.

Esmeralda: I admire your dedication. But can you please help my boyfriend? I found him in a river.

Phoebus lies down and Esmeralda pours alcohol on him.

Phoebus: Feels like a 1470 Burgundy, not a good year. That was the year my hamster died. And my third wife left me.

Esmeralda: Wait, how old did you say you were again?

Phoebus: Uhh, twenty something?

Esmeralda and Phoebus: *awkwardly make out in front of Quasimodo*

Quasi: Guys get a room please! No hunch as hideous as my hunch was ever meant for Heaven's light!

Djali: Hey y'all come take a gander out this here window.

Esmeralda: I see grapes!

Everyone panics.

Quasi: Take the slide. *drags Phoebs into his room and puts a table cloth over his body and sets a plate and glass on top of him and chairs around him* Frollo will never know.

Frollo: Good evening hunch.

Quasi: Good evening master. I see you brought grapes. I like grapes. Put them here, on this TABLE.

Frollo: I hope you like the dress I got you. Did it fit?

Quasi: No but it does now.

Frollo: You're not eating boy! Why is our table so lumpy and so breathe-y?

Quasi: Mmm thanks master these are delicious grapes. *puts lots of grapes in his mouth* Guess how many I can fit in my mouth!?

Frollo: That's what she said. I think you're hiding something…your dolls-

Quasimodo: -action figures-

Frollo: isn't this one new? It's awfully good...looks a lot like the hot gypsy girl. I know you helped her escape! No matter. I will kill her for you. *pretends to throw gypsy doll out the window but instead puts it in his pocket*

Quasimodo: I saw that. You put it in your pocket. If you want one I can just make you one you just have to ask. I can give you an order form to fill out.

Frollo: Tomorrow I attack at dawn… with five men. *leaves triumphantly*

Phoebus: *removes grapes, plate, and tablecloth from his person* I got me a gypsy to save! Are you coming with me? I could use your unique hunch skillz.

Quasimodo: I would but uhhg. I just don't have anything to wear. These tights are so last season.

Phoebus: It's cool. You can borrow my cape. It's vintage.

Quasi: Thanks it goes with my necklace.

Phoebus: Oh wow, lemme see that. That is so stylish dude.

Quasi: Thanks, it's from your girlfriend. Yeah that's right.


	7. The Court of Miracles

Chapter 7: The Court of Miracles.

Phoebus: Shouldn't we have run into a booby trap by now, or an ambush?

Quasi: Haha, you said 'booby.'

Phoebus: Wow you're so immature!

Vagabonds: *come out of nowhere and tie up the captain and his pet hunchback*

Clopin: Maybe you've heard of a terrible place where the homeless of Paris collect in a lair, maybe you've heard of a mythical place called the Court of Miracles, but you probably haven't heard of it, we're so underground.

Where the blind can walk, and the deaf can see! But the lame don't talk! So you won't be around to reveal what you've found. We have a method for spies and intruders, rather like bakers protecting their muffins. Here in the court of miracles, where it's a miracle if you get out alive!

Gather round, it's a couple of Frollo's spies we're going to hang! His loyal captain of the guard and his pet hunchback with a really bad taste in style. Look at this cassock. It clashes with his cape.

Clopin puppet: I object!

Clopin: Overruled!

Clopin puppet: Fine hang them, I want to see some blood!

Clopin: What….

Puppet: Mmm yes….

Clopin: So you're going to hang!

Esmeralda: Stop! That's my man! And my friend Quasimodo. This is the man who I saved from the river, and this is the hunch who helped me escape the cathedral! *motions to her feet, which are bandaged from the broken glass at the bottom of the slide*

Phoebus: Frollo is coming and he's attacking at dawn with 5,000 men!

Quasimodo: I've heard differently.

Phoebus: Well we have to deliver some sort of big news or they'll hang us!

Esmeralda: Well Clopin was right, I never would have thought to pair that cape with that color of cassock….

Frollo: Nor would I!

Soldiers (all five of them): *seize the gypsies and Quasi and Phoebus*

Djali took this chance to escape and she later befriends a nice poet and lives happily ever after.

Frollo: After several minutes of searching, the Court of Miracles is mine at last.

Esmeralda: How did you find us?

Frollo: Google maps. And look what else I've caught in my net, Captain School-Bus back from the dead…another miracle no doubt! There will be a little bonfire in the square tomorrow, and you're all invited to attend. Check Facebook I made an 'event.'

Esmeralda: Will there be marshmallows or should we supply our own?

Frollo: You ARE the marshmallow! Lock them up.

Quasimodo: *hugs Frollo's legs*

Frollo's Legs: *do not appreciate the unwanted attention of hugs*

Quasi: Master please… please let me bring the chocolate and the graham crackers…


	8. The Last One

Chapter 8: The Marshmallow Is Rescued.

Frollo: The gypsy Esmeralda has been found guilty of the crime of witchcraft. The sentence: she is to be toasted till crispy and golden brown!

Esmeralda: Delicious!

Frollo: The time has come, gypsy. You stand on the brink of becoming a s'more. Yet even now it is not too late…I can save you from the flames of this world and the next's flames in the world in the next one in the flames like these I mean Hell, okay? Choose "me," or the fire.

Esmeralda: *looks away proudly* Hmph. I like s'mores.

Frollo: The gypsy Esmeralda has refused to sleep with me-uh I mean, recant. This evil witch…

Hugo: You gotta break these chains!

Quasi: I can't, they are chains! They do not just break.

Laverne: These chains aren't what's holding you back!

Quasi: Well they sure are helping.

Victor: You can't let Frollo win!

Quasi: He already has. He invited everyone on his friends list on Facebook and they all said they were going to his bonfire. He's so popular. It's hopeless.

Hugo: Alright we'll leave you alone, we're just made out of stone.

Laverne: We just thought maybe you were made of something stronger. Like diamonds.

Frollo: I will send this unholy marshmallow, back where she belongs!

Quasi: *breaks chains and slides down Notre Dame and jumps onto the platform* Esmeralda! *uses Esmeralda's body to beat away the soldiers*

Frollo: Noooo! Now what am I going to do with all these graham crackers and chocolate bars!?

Quasi: *climbs up Notre Dame* Sanctuary!

Frollo: Seize the cathedral!

Soldier Number 4 out of 5: I'm seizing it!

The other four watched him seize it.

Phoebus: Frollo has ransacked our people, persecuted our city and tried to toast innocent marshmal- gypsies! He now declares war on our cathedrals! Will we allow it?

No one was listening because no one really likes Phoebus that much.

Hugo: Hey, isn't that uh, Phoebus?

Quasi: Feeble.

Victor: No, Phoebus.

Quasi: I just call him Doofus.

Archdeacon: Frollo have you gone mad? I will not tolerate this assault on the house of God!

Frollo: Move please, I must speak with my hunch.

Archdeacon: Why yes of course, kind sir, and have a lovely evening.

Quasi: We've done it Esmeralda we've beaten them back come and see!

Esmeralda: *does not come and see*

Quasi: *dumps a bucket of water on her face* No! No…

Frollo: *pats Quasi on his hunch*

Quasi: Did I say you could touch the hunch?

Frollo: I had to kill her; it was my duty, horrible as it was. *tries to stab Quasi in the hunch*

Esmeralda: Eww I think you got Hunch blood on me.

Frollo: She lives! I don't know if I'm disappointed or happy.

Quasi: Mine! *takes Esmeralda and runs*

Quasi and Esmeralda: *crouched among the gargoyles, trying to blend in, staring blankly ahead*

Frollo: Hmm I don't recognize these gargoyles but they look quite familiar….*touches Quasi's hair* So lifelike…

Esmeralda: *sneezes*

Frollo: AHA! *starts chopping at the two with a sword he found lying around*

Quasi: *swings from gargoyle to gargoyle*

Frollo: Now I'll do what I should have done twenty years ago! I knew you would risk your life to save the hot gypsy, just like your own mother died trying to save you!

Quasi: Wait, wait, wait. So let me get this straight…I'm adopted!?

Frollo: *wraps cloak around Quasi's head but then falls and dangles from the tower by the cape* Esmeralda, help me!

Esmeralda: No! I might have considered it, but you gave Quasimodo my dress and he totally stretched it out. I can never forgive you for that.

Frollo: *stands on gargoyle* And he shall smite the marshmallows and plunge them into the fiery pit….

Gargoyle: *chooses now of all times to conveniently break*

Frollo: *hugs gargoyle* No! *falls* *ded*

Esmeralda: Quasimodo! Oh-Em-Gee everyone is just falling today…

Quasimodo: *falls but Phoebus…. … …catches him.*

Phoebus: Wow, that probably should have ripped my arms off!

Esmeralda: Wow Phoebus you saved me! I love you.

Quasimodo:…WHAT? I just swung from a bell tower 200 feet up in the air and risked my life to save you and you choose Phoebus? It's because of the hunch, isn't it? Yep it's because of the hunch…

Apparently Frollo's death is directly related to how bright the sky is.

Esmeralda: C'mon Quasi, don't be shy. We already know you're ugly, but now it's okay.

Phoebus and Esmeralda hug, and cute children mob Quasi.

Clopin: Now here is a riddle to guess if you can, sing the bells of Notre Dame. Who is the monster and who is the hunch?

Quasimodo: *raises hand* Am I the hunch?

Clopin: Yes. I will sell this Frollo puppet to the highest bidder.

Gargoyles: The end!

Hope you liked it, please review...well, if you're into that kind of thing.


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